I used to wear thong underwear.
In fact my college roommates and I used to have thong slingshot fights at the laundromat.
Until one of them would inevitably get hooked behind the washer on a drain pipe, or hung up in the light fixture (the underwear, not the roommates).
These days, my underpants are large and roomy. (To read more about what I’m currently wearing, read My Husband is Head Over Hanes for Me.)
But I do still own two thongs. One for daytime and one (black lacy) version for night time.
Don’t get excited.
I wear them only when the outfit necessitates, which is almost never. Or when I haven’t done my laundry in three weeks, because I’ve been doing everyone else’s.
That was the case today. And look what happened!
Every time I bent over or turned sideways, this good-for-nothing T-Back gave me a Wedgie for the Ages!
I hate when you have to spend your whole day managing your outfit.
We all have “that shirt” where the button in the front randomly bursts open.
Usually in the middle of a staff meeting, or an interview – exposing your breasts to the company president.
And we all have “that skirt” made of some kind of unnatural polyester blend, that static-clings to your legs and crotch like a sausage casing.
I don’t think men have these wardrobe malfunctions.
“I was at lunch with a client and my jock strap broke, and my penis just FELL OUT in front of everyone!” said No Man Ever.
“I can’t sit down because the Spanx under my khakis are too tight, so… I’ll just stand.”
“My slacks flew up in the wind and my entire butt was showing. It was so embarrassing!”
All things never said by a man.
Maybe his fly was down ONCE and someone got a glimpse of his boxers. Big whoop.
Until your bare ass, or exposed nipple, has felt the cool breeze of embarrassment, you can’t really relate.
But as women, we can do things to mitigate these malfunctions.
We can buy new underwear and bras (with sturdy straps) more often than every five years.
We can do our laundry first next time and let our husbands turn their underwear inside out for a change.
We can remember to not neglect ourselves.
And for Pete’s sake, get rid of those thongs!!!!