Husband: “Your underwear are heinous.”
Me: “What are you talking about – these are from Victoria’s Secret.”
Husband: “Well, I hope you got your senior citizen discount when you bought them.”
Me: “Just because they are full coverage doesn’t mean they aren’t sexy. Look at this fun pattern!”
Husband: “Mmmm, nothing like faded pink elephants on boxer briefs to turn me on.
And look… there’s a hole in the back…”
Shortly after we got married, I threw in the towel. And by towel, I mean T-back.
I happily traded in the polyester g-strings of my youth for FULL-coverage cotton panties fit for the elderly.
I never looked back.
I guess it’s a little bit sad. To give up the stuff of legends and Sisqo lyrics.
I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong
That song was so hot. I remember standing in line at Sam Goody for the single on CD.
Of course, I told my parents I was studying for the AP exams.
Eukaryotic cell structure? (Shhhhhhh. Dumps like a truck, truck truck.)
By 2006, the black fishing line wrapped around my rear had done its due diligence – reeled in the man of my dreams.
Less than a decade later, I was rocking faded, holey grannies like Def Leppard rocked the Ages.
Even the elastic was worn out.
And yet, it didn’t occur to me to buy anything new.
I couldn’t justify spending money on undergarments. I’d rather spend it on shoes or nail polish or a new Michael Kors wallet!
But Todd was right – the situation was dire.
So I suggested he go pick something out.
Surely, he’d go to an expensive lingerie store, I thought. Choose something from his fantasy playbook – with lace, and pink, and frills!!!!
Two days later amidst the turkey and half-and-half, I saw it…
The Hanes Ultimate Comfort multi-pack of 5.
From (gasp) the grocery store?
I didn’t even know they sold underwear at the grocery store.
Me: “This is your solution for my underwear problem?”
Husband: “Babe, they are high cut briefs. They’re gonna be so hot.
And they’re solid colors – no weird patterns. I thought you’d like the bright pink and purple!”
Me: “Well they’re size large, so they’re not gonna fit. They’ll be HUGE on me.”
That turned out to be untrue.
I modeled a purple pair from the pack, and his eyes lit up with pride.
“See! Those look great!” he exclaimed.
It must have been worse than I thought, for supermarket underwear to be so GREAT.
I appreciated his practicality and frugality, really I did.
And I’m glad he didn’t expect me to be parading around like a Thong Song hood rat – post C-section.
Turns out he just wants to see me in something that fits. That shows off a little leg. That’s clean and mended.
Turns out, he’s head over Hanes for me.