Tag Archives: Florida

A Festival Outing with my Little Lord

Some people like to go to the State Fair. Some people (me) don’t.

But I LOVE the Renaissance Festival.

Sure, they’re both dirty and stinky and you have to use a Port-o-Let…

Maybe it’s the kilts and feathers, but I just feel like the festival is a bit more refined.

Here’s a simple test to determine if you’re a fair person, or a festival person.

  1. Do you prefer to see humongous breasts under an airbrushed T-shirt, or sitting atop a corset?
  2. How about man parts? In wranglers or tights?
  3. Do you prefer a southern drawl or British accent?
  4. Do you have a hankering for elephant ears or turkey legs?
  5. Are you more inclined to wave a confederate flag or a heraldic banner?
  6. Concealed weapons, or sheathed swords?

Inadequate dental hygiene is to be expected at either venue, but it freaks me out less at the festival.

I find it adds to the authenticity of the Dark Ages.

Colt and his friend Cam had a great time shooting bows and arrows, throwing darts, and bowling.

The dads participated in axe and knife throwing and other manly activities.

My husband was never so proud of his beard.

A word of warning, the workers at the festival take their jobs VERY seriously.

My mother complimented one of them on his “costume” and he firmly corrected her.

“This is not a ball, madam. There are no costumes….this is a uniform!”

(Dude, have some absinthe and relax.)

She also mistook a catholic cardinal for a civilian in a white bathrobe. Big mistake.

Anyway, if you live in the Tampa area, the festival will be around for a few more weeks, so go check it out!

Get there early in the day (before the characters have had too much grog and rum.)

If you have a fear of Zika and E.Coli, bring bug repellant and hand sanitizer.

And cash – everything costs extra and tips are expected.

Have a great time with your little lords and ladies!

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We Go All Out for Groundhog Day

Why?

Because I believe that holidays that mean absolutely nothing should be celebrated with all of the exuberance and creativity of Christmas morning.

Really, I’m just looking for an excuse to eat more desserts.

“I’m sorry [insert personal trainer name], but you know how it is around Groundhog Day.

There are sweets everywhere. Cookies, fruit cakes, figgy pudding…

And with all the stress of the family in town, and the uncertainty surrounding the weather….

I just eat and eat and eat….”

To celebrate, Colt and I read about groundhogs (a titillating subject), watched a YouTube video of a groundhog emerging from his burrow (30,000 times until I finally pried the phone from his 5-year-old fingers), and went outside to see our shadows.

And we made cupcakes.

My Pinterest search yielded 13,000 recipes for “Groundhog Day desserts.”

Seriously people?

The first photo was of a homemade dark chocolate cupcake with a tiny groundhog whittled from a Milano cookie.

It’s buck teeth were made from white chiclets – adhered with some kind of organic groundhog denture cream.

Our version (seen here) uses a Betty Crocker box mix and teddy Graham’s (which are not ground hogs at all, rather bears.) Sitting atop “dirt piles” of brown sugar.

Also, the “groundhog” in the front (and one in the back) is missing an ear.

They may not be pretty, but they sure did taste delicious!

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By the way, Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow this morning.

Which is great because I am SICK and TIRED of these blustery 75-degree days, here in Florida.

Thanks to a small beaver-like rodent’s keen sense of meteorology, I look forward to packing up my lightweight cardigans, and busting out my 24-hour clinical protection deodorant.

Happy Groundhog Day!

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Pardon my Pit Stains, Would You Like to Order Some Brochures?

I have to look nice at work. No jeans. No shorts. Definitely no jorts.

A dress code is OK by me. I  believe that clothes (done right) can make you look slimmer, younger and just feel…happier!

I read all the fashion magazine articles – “How to Dress Two Sizes Smaller”, “Dress Up to Slim Down.” Blah. Blah. Blah.

I read Tim Gunn’s column in Marie Claire every month.

The principles behind these articles are always the same:

1. Layer, layer, layer! Cute little jackets and cardigans hide fat arms!

2. Belt it! Buckle around your flouncy shirt to create a tiny waist!

3. Don’t forget the Shapewear! Proper undergarments are key!

Apparently none of these fashion editors have ever traveled south of the Mason Dixon line… in August.

Hell, it’s only April here in Florida, AND THE HIGH IS 90.

I know a lot about the heat.

I work as a sales rep for a local printer and service the University of South Florida.

Parking can sometimes be a challenge, so I try to park centrally and walk whenever I can.

This is my strategy to beat the heat: I pull into a parking spot, turn the A/C to MAX, and stick my face up to the vent.

I’d snort Frion if I could.

When I work up enough courage, I apply a fresh coat of lipgloss, pop a chiclet and…

Step out onto the surface of the sun.

Thirty seconds into my walk – there’s a pool of sweat forming between my boobs.

By 3 p.m. I could be mistaken for a homeless person.

I arrive on my customer’s doorstep in desperation…”Hi.” [Insert heavy breathing]

“I’m Julie, your campus representative. [Insert heavy breathing] Pardon my pit stains, would you like to order some brochures?”

Here are my comments to the fashion editors –

1. LAYER!!?? Does wearing panties count? Because I can’t bear to layer anything on TOP of my dress. As badly as I want to wear a cardigan to hide my fat arms, my pits need to BREATHE.

2. Belts are amazing, I agree. I have them in every color, skinny, fat, buckle, tie, etc. But the only thing accentuating my waist, is the sweat line accumulating underneath my belt.

3. If you read Spanx, you know I love shape wear. But HOLY SHIT. You might as well just wear black plastic trash bags around your thighs, and call it a day.

A typical outfit. Cute now. So damn hot after 9 a.m. (Don't mind the toilet paper in the background of this picture?!)

A typical outfit. Cute now. So damn hot after 9 a.m. (Don’t mind the toilet paper in the background of this picture?!)

Why does every 19-year-old girl I pass on the sidewalk look so cool and…matte?

Is it because she weighs 85 pounds and is wearing jort cutoffs and a bathing suit top?

Does she mistake me for Honey Boo Boo’s mama?

Just wait girl.

One day you’ll be a working mother – wearing your cardigan, belt and Spanx, just so you can look like a size 4 when you’re really an 8.

Trying to make ends meet. In the heat. Literally. Why won’t this belt fasten!!????!!!

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