Dear Cadence 840,
I’m sorry to do this.
But it’s time to break up.
When we first got together it was hot and heavy.
We were together at least three nights a week.
But I’m just not that into you anymore.
Sure, when I see you over there in the corner, I feel bad.
I really do.
And when we meet up now and then, you always leave me in a sweat.
But let’s be honest – I’m not committed to this.
I find myself annoyed with all of your idiosyncrasies.
You get really loud when you’re turned on.
You’re kind of an eye sore.
And you’re just not that interesting!
At least not compared to all these younger models with giant…
From what I’ve heard, they know how to take a lady to places she’s never been before – like the Grand Canyon or the Swiss Alps.
Honestly, I’m not leaving you for another treadmill.
It’s just that I’d rather sit on the couch with a tub of ice cream than be with you.
I hope you can understand.
I’m sure there’s another woman out who’s a little bit fat, and cares.
And she will love you just as much as I once did.
I’m going to help you find her on Craigslist.