I’ll Take Jessica Simpson for $11.95

Whenever I’m considering a new hairstyle, I always bring a photo of a celebrity.

I google “best hair cuts” and spend 45 minutes pouring through every picture of Sandra, Cameron and Jen until I finally find my perfect muse.

I print it out on my desk jet printer, which is always out of ink (so the photo is a weird magenta color) and stuff it in my bag as I race out the door.

OR… I forget to do the googling altogether, and end up frantically thumbing through the ratty copy of “Hair” magazine at the salon – hoping to find something reasonably modern in “Hollywood’s Top 25 New Cuts of ’97.”

I hadn’t had my hair done in months. My favorite hairstylist and The Mistress of Blonde Highlights Herself, moved to be with her husband in Washington D.C.

How freaking selfish of her.

It took me a long time to be ready to date again.

But this week I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to cut it off.

My hair was halfway down my back and thicker than Blake Shelton’s accent.

So I went to one of those walk-in salons. There was no wait, and it was Lady’s Night – all haircuts only $11.95.

This price blew my mind.

Is this what it feels like to be a man?

To not have to make an appointment a month in advance. Only to devote three hours and half your paycheck to hair dye. To not have to bake your roots under a dryer for 30 minutes until your nose hairs are singed and your hearing is gone from the deafening hum?

Men are just in. And out. Typical.

I should have been concerned when the lady walking out of the salon had a full-on mullet. The spikes on top still wet from fresh gel.

But I went in anyway.

My stylist had a northern accent and fuchsia lipstick. She most closely resembled Beth from Dog the Bounty Hunter.

I presented her with my celebrity picture – a coveted photo of Jessica Simpson in her glory days (see photo on left).

My inspiration!

My inspiration!

And this is what I got (see photo on right).

See the resemblance?

Just call me Jessica

Just call me Jessica

Me neither.

I know my expectations were too high. She’s a hair dresser, not a miracle worker for God’s sake.

She can’t give me a face transplant.

And I must admit after blowdrying and straightening it (that wasn’t included in the price), it didn’t look AS bad.

Sure, it’s not really even on both sides. And my bangs are a bit of a cluster f*&k, but who really pays attention to those things anyway?

I’m just happy I feel a little lighter. No more back sweat!

(And I’m still hopeful that one day I will find a stylist – who can make my Jessica Simpson fantasies come true…)

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11 thoughts on “I’ll Take Jessica Simpson for $11.95

  1. Kelly Rilea says:

    Come to Deland and Anna and I will meet you
    at Salon Blondie, Felicia is THE hair miracle worker!
    I enjoy reading your blogs!
    Kelly ( Anna’s mom)

  2. Lynette Ramer says:

    funny!!!!  now remember you are looking at the pictures at different angals, that makes a difference!!:) really….. and the cut is almost there , do not give up on the cheaper designers , it is worth the savings> 🙂 ,

    ________________________________

  3. Kristin H. says:

    I have your answer – Michelle at the Hair Lounge and Color Room She is INCREDIBLE! Also, with the bio ionic retex system that she does, your hair can look like Jessica Simpson with minimal to no effort. I won’t go to anyone else – and when I have (like when I was living in VA) I’ve wholeheartedly regretted it. Saw her on Tuesday and it’s been such a miracle.

    https://www.facebook.com/pages/the-Hair-Lounge-Color-Room/373096358168?fref=ts

  4. smileychild says:

    I have your answer – Michelle at the Hair Lounge and Color Room. She is INCREDIBLE! Also, with the bio ionic retex system that she does, your hair can look like Jessica Simpson with minimal to no effort. I won’t go to anyone else – and when I have (like when I was living in VA) I’ve wholeheartedly regretted it. Saw her on Tuesday and it’s been such a miracle.

    https://www.facebook.com/pages/the-Hair-Lounge-Color-Room/373096358168?fref=ts

    – Kristin H.

  5. Heather Dolhi says:

    Oh friend! We do have so much in common. After having Caitlin and being on maternity leave not contributing to the bank balance, I felt it was not appropriate for me to spend half of my imaginary paycheck on a 3 hour hair cut and color. So I went to Ulta. I too should have predicted the outcome by the terrible cut my ‘stylist’ was sporting. But I was blinded by the $21 price. It was terrible! I could have done a better job at home letting my dog loose with some scissors. Blunt cut bob yet not even and the worst bangs ever.
    Yet here I am over a year out from that mess and still contemplate doing it all over again because its just so cheap. My style dreams and wallet can never seem to be on the same page… And that’s a shame.

  6. Alicia says:

    Do you remember my helmet head from 9th grade? That was the result of trying to get a late 90s Natalie Imbruglia-styled cut at Fantastic Sam’s. Yeah. Didn’t work.

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