It wasn’t Burger King, so I’m not sure why I expected to have it my way.
But on a recent lunch outing to a popular deli chain (cough, Jason’s Deli, cough), I had a hankering for a grilled cheese and cup of tomato soup.
Me: Do you have a grilled cheese on the menu?
Deli Kid: No, unfortunately we don’t.
Me: Oh, bummer, well is there any way you could make one?
We’re talking about grilling… cheese, I thought.
Deli Kid: Um, sure I guess we could do that.
He said it with an uncomfortable amount of uncertainty.
Deli Kid: What would you like on it?
Me: Oh, just the cheese.
He scribbled some stuff on a little note pad.
Deli Kid: And what else?
Me: Oh..um…just the cheese. Nothing else. Whatever kind of yellow cheese you have is fine. I’m not picky.
Deli Kid: If you could you just choose your cheese and bread from this list here please.
He hands over a list of 45 different artisan cheeses and breads.
Me: Just cheddar and white bread, please. Or Italian. (Or whatever the hell you people call white bread around here.)
Deli Kid: Would you like it toasted?
The line behind me was growing. I could feel the collective breath of a dozen frustrated customers behind me.
I smiled, but the voice inside me was screaming.
In my head, I was grabbing at his collar and whisper-yelling in his pimply face. Have you never had a F@&KING GRILLED CHEESE BEFORE?!!!!
Maybe you were raised by wolves and your mother wolf never made you America’s iconic sandwich!!!????
Maybe JASON turned you into a BUMBLING DELI-BOT that can only follow protocol but can’t use your human BRAIN!!????
Let me help you out. There are two ingredients.
Processed yellow cheese. And buttered white bread.
Later, I realized this was just God’s way of telling me I should have ordered the salad bar. That if I was going to order a 750 calorie lunch, He was going to make it really, really. freaking. difficult.