Pardon my Pit Stains, Would You Like to Order Some Brochures?

I have to look nice at work. No jeans. No shorts. Definitely no jorts.

A dress code is OK by me. I  believe that clothes (done right) can make you look slimmer, younger and just feel…happier!

I read all the fashion magazine articles – “How to Dress Two Sizes Smaller”, “Dress Up to Slim Down.” Blah. Blah. Blah.

I read Tim Gunn’s column in Marie Claire every month.

The principles behind these articles are always the same:

1. Layer, layer, layer! Cute little jackets and cardigans hide fat arms!

2. Belt it! Buckle around your flouncy shirt to create a tiny waist!

3. Don’t forget the Shapewear! Proper undergarments are key!

Apparently none of these fashion editors have ever traveled south of the Mason Dixon line… in August.

Hell, it’s only April here in Florida, AND THE HIGH IS 90.

I know a lot about the heat.

I work as a sales rep for a local printer and service the University of South Florida.

Parking can sometimes be a challenge, so I try to park centrally and walk whenever I can.

This is my strategy to beat the heat: I pull into a parking spot, turn the A/C to MAX, and stick my face up to the vent.

I’d snort Frion if I could.

When I work up enough courage, I apply a fresh coat of lipgloss, pop a chiclet and…

Step out onto the surface of the sun.

Thirty seconds into my walk – there’s a pool of sweat forming between my boobs.

By 3 p.m. I could be mistaken for a homeless person.

I arrive on my customer’s doorstep in desperation…”Hi.” [Insert heavy breathing]

“I’m Julie, your campus representative. [Insert heavy breathing] Pardon my pit stains, would you like to order some brochures?”

Here are my comments to the fashion editors –

1. LAYER!!?? Does wearing panties count? Because I can’t bear to layer anything on TOP of my dress. As badly as I want to wear a cardigan to hide my fat arms, my pits need to BREATHE.

2. Belts are amazing, I agree. I have them in every color, skinny, fat, buckle, tie, etc. But the only thing accentuating my waist, is the sweat line accumulating underneath my belt.

3. If you read Spanx, you know I love shape wear. But HOLY SHIT. You might as well just wear black plastic trash bags around your thighs, and call it a day.

A typical outfit. Cute now. So damn hot after 9 a.m. (Don't mind the toilet paper in the background of this picture?!)

A typical outfit. Cute now. So damn hot after 9 a.m. (Don’t mind the toilet paper in the background of this picture?!)

Why does every 19-year-old girl I pass on the sidewalk look so cool and…matte?

Is it because she weighs 85 pounds and is wearing jort cutoffs and a bathing suit top?

Does she mistake me for Honey Boo Boo’s mama?

Just wait girl.

One day you’ll be a working mother – wearing your cardigan, belt and Spanx, just so you can look like a size 4 when you’re really an 8.

Trying to make ends meet. In the heat. Literally. Why won’t this belt fasten!!????!!!

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3 thoughts on “Pardon my Pit Stains, Would You Like to Order Some Brochures?

  1. Kelly says:

    Ha! I feel your pain about the 19-year old college students. For me, they’re 16-year old high schoolers. Then I convince myself that either I look better than I feel or I just can’t see her pit stains from where I’m standing but assure myself that they’re there somewhere 🙂

  2. Gina Herom says:

    Ok, why are you up at 2:28 am?
    Loved the post….I have been sneaking in a skort with our dress-code!!!

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