Oh Mike, You Are So Magical

It was Sunday. Good Christians were exiting Fellowship Halls. Families were sitting down to supper. And heathen-women like me were entering make-shift strip clubs.

A male review disguised as a “movie theater.”

I’m gonna be honest. When my mother-in-law told me we were going to see Magic Mike, my first thought wasn’t about Channing Tatum’s loins.

It was that I could sit. For 2 hours. Without Colt calling my name 20 times a minute.

Bless his heart.

It was freezing cold in the move theater, as opposed to the zoo where we’d melted the day before. I could get popcorn. I could get up and go to the bathroom without someone following me, tugging at my arm.

It wasn’t until after all of these thoughts came and went, that I remembered. I’m gonna see naked butts.

The theater had a few other groups of woman – in their fifties, giggling like teenagers.

These women had been waiting for this movie for 20 years.

There was only one man/woman couple in the theater – they were old. She probably told him the movie was a drama like those cop shows he likes to watch on NBC.

Well played Irene.

I was enjoying the Backstreet-Boys-inspired dance scenes and closely following the intense story-line, when it happened.

The scene where Channing Tatum came out on stage in baggie sweatpants and a hoodie. My mouth watered…was I sweating?

Well, this is embarrassing.

As much as I want the father of my children to be a Pique-polo-wearing-college graduate, there’s something primitively appealing about a man who looks like he knows how to use a jackhammer and may or may not have been to jail recently.

Moreover, I hate big trucks. (Unless you are bailing hay, there is no reason to get fewer than 15 miles to the gallon. In Tampa.)  So then WHY does Channing Tatum look so damn sexy that big black gas guzzler?

What I’m saying, is that clearly, Magic Mike is an idiot.

And yet, every woman in that theater was wishing she was laying on that sticky strip club stage, as he pounded it.

—

They say men want a lady on the street and a freak in the bed?

Women want an investment banker on the street and Paul Bunyan in the bed.

Anyone else thinking sequel. In 3-D?