Siri Lives in My Kid’s Kitchen

Colt in his Kitchen

Colt in his Kitchen

Today I bought my son a play kitchen.

Yes, times have changed.

When I was a little girl they only made kitchens in pale pink and purple. Today marketers recognize that lots of women are staying late at the office and just as many men are at home making dinner.

Such is the situation in our home. Mommy is often working late, and Daddy is usually home making dinner. Ok, Daddy makes every meal whether Mommy is working late or not, (but Todd loves to cook, why would I want to take that away from him?)

Colt likes to watch Daddy season the chicken and take casseroles out of the oven. The other day I caught him pretending a bucket was a bowl and a stick was a spoon. He tasted his imaginary soup on his stick, and said “Yummmmm!”

I thought, this kid deserves a real kitchen.

I also thought it would be an easy purchase. One or two models to choose from – $30 tops.

To my dismay, Toys R Us had a SECTION OF THE STORE devoted to gender-neutral “kitchens and housekeeping.” Prices ranged from a $39.99 kitchen on clearance, to kitchens costing more than $300.

What will $300 buy you, you ask?

A Grand Walk-In Kitchen with faux wood floors, stainless steel appliances, a swivel faucet and a real working telephone. It also guarantees you “a play experience like no other.” Sounded creepy to me.

What will these kids have to look forward to when they’ve gotten their first custom kitchen at age 2? Colt will appreciate his real kitchen some day because he had to play with the clearance kitchen as a child. Rags to riches for him.

So I got the kitchen home and opened the box. I poured the 95,000 pieces out on the living room floor and got to work. Todd offered moral support while he watched the baseball game around me.

I should have been suspicious of two things from the start: A. The fact that this kitchen was on clearance. B. That it was an “interactive” TV Chef kitchen.

What did that even mean?

Two hours later, after sweating through my polo shirt putting this b*%$h together, I sat down to give it a whirl. The kitchen featured a TV over the stove. I entered an interactive recipe card, so the Kitchen Siri could guide me through my dish – step by step.

“Hi” said a friendly female voice. “Let’s make hamburgers!”

Step one, two and three involved gathering the ingredients, mixing them in a bowl and patty-ing the burgers. I followed along cheerfully.

Every Man Needs a Potholder

Every Man Needs a Potholder

Then Kitchen Siri directed me to place a burger patty on the frying pan, and place it on the burner.

“Careful, it’s hot,” she warned. (This was after she reminded me to wash my hands because I’d touched raw meat.) Never too early to instill good food safety practices.

I placed the small plastic brown disc in the tiny plastic frying pan, and placed it on the burner.

That’s when all hell broke loose.

“I don’t think that’s quite right,” Kitchen Siri said.


I readjusted the pan.

“I don’t think that’s quite right,” she repeated.


I removed the patty, placed it in the pan again, and readjusted it on the burner.

“I don’t think that’s quite right,” she said. She seemed more frustrated this time.


I yanked the frying pan off the burner and replaced it with the tiny plastic griddle that also came with the set.

“I don’t think that’s quite right,” she repeated.

Todd walked into the room and found me screaming at the toy kitchen.

“I don’t think YOU are quite right!” I yelled at Kitchen Siri.

Almost in tears, I turned to my shell-shocked husband. “I put the FREAKING burger in the FREAKING pan! WHAT MORE DOES SHE WANT FROM ME!!”

Todd stared at me in disbelief.

Colt walked up and moved the frying pan over to the second burner.

“Sizzle Sizzle” the kitchen rattled. “Great job!” Kitchen Siri squealed.

I was ashamed.

I looked at my 19-month-old son – proud, and slightly jealous. Kitchen Siri liked him better.

“I’m sorry mommy’s so crazy,” I said to Colt, hugging him. “I’m sorry mommy took her anger out on your plastic kitchen.”

But inside it made me feel better to remember that I’d found this toy on clearance. I bet there were many other domestically challenged mommies complaining about Kitchen Siri – and now she was Marked Down.

Clearance or not, Colt loved his new toy. And for that, I am grateful to Kitchen Siri…and her ridiculous recipe cards.

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4 thoughts on “Siri Lives in My Kid’s Kitchen

  1. Wendy Ramer says:

    Didn’t know you blog. So do I. Great story 😉

  2. Anna P. says:

    You are the best story teller.

    Can’t wait to see y’all this weekend and have Colt cook us a 5 course meal of delicious plastic!

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